Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.