Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”