betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You Might Also Like
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Friday night party time 🥳
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.