Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me buying fruit and veg
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
just got my engagement photos
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.