Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.