date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I hope this email finds you in a well
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.