Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him