Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Tier 3 meme