Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.