This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
no
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer