Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Bike for sale