Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye