went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Just ordered me some pizza!
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.