I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel