I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila