This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!