I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine