“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
O Wise One….
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful