I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.