On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.