My dad teaching me to drive
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I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
#ParentingFacts
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.