Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
You Might Also Like
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.