Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
You Might Also Like
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.