[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
What’s so funny?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.