lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.