I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Fights fire with marshmallows
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.