A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.