Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
also my go-to takeaway order
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice