“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.