My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
No. He’s not coming out to play
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.