Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Just me?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.