10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*