COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
this article brought to you by lions
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food