Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
every. time.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753