People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
You Might Also Like
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.