The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
is this a warning or an offer?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.