I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.