*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup