What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.