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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Good morning!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
When I said I liked it rough.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.