[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
how much for the angry fruit?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.