Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?