I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.