Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver