3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.