I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
This is a true ally.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.