The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.