the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
584.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
This came to me in a dream.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas