“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever