Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You Might Also Like
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does